By Tim Smith
A couple of weeks ago, it was announced that musician, singer-songwriter, mobile fashionable fringe wearer, and all round person who is on the telly sometimes, VV Brown, has gone and personalised a Vauxhall Adam.
Well, I thought, that really is quite an achievement. You pass go, you collect some marketing money.
Ah, I also thought, what if someone else went and clicked some buttons on a Vauxhall website? What if that person was none other than your Mum. I thought.
Welly, well my droogs. that’s what I went and did. I went and bloody well clicked my mouse all over the Vauxhall Adam Configurator/Optionator all in the name of science, the greater good, and chiefly, your Mum.
First things, erm, first, the Configurator/Optionator asks you to enter your name:
Is it not absolutely irresistible to stick a ‘comedy’ name in here? Maybe it’s just me.
Next is to choose the type of option pack that your Mum would prefer. Now, ignoring the easy ‘joke’ that your Mum would love the ‘Slam’ option pack, I’ve decided that your Mum loves a bit of Glam. So she’s chosen the Glam pack. Yes she has.
Your mum isn’t too fussed about performance, but does like to save the pounds. That way she can enjoy an extra glass of wine on Wednesdays when she goes out with her friend Sally who you fancy a bit, and may have done something to your self while thinking about her. Probably.
Either way, she’s chosen the 1.2i VVT 70ps with stop/start (0-60 – 14.1 years; 56.5 mpg) and that will do very nicely, thank you.
Next is the design pack, now we could get all tangled up in venn diagrams, but we won’t be doing that because last time we tried it all ended with me still not understanding how ‘Q by Aston Martin’ works as a sentence. Or a title.
So, skipping all of that, your Mum likes the ‘Chrome’ pack. She knows that Chrome goes hand in hand with ‘Glam’. She also knows that black is the new black, and that to give the Adam a different roof colour would attract the attention of the option police (making it red is something to do with another option pack that I don’t really understand) so black all over it is. With chrome inserts. Oh, and that will be £525 for the paint, please, thank you.
The alloys, the alloys, what to do with the alloys? Well, your Mum likes the ’17” (ahem) Roulette, technical grey and Diamond Cut A Star Is Brown’. So she’ll be taking those. And, yes, there is a thing in the world called that. Some alloys. Called that.
I accidentally changed the colour of the ‘logo bar’ (that mustache thing on the grill) and now I can’t change it back (mostly because I’m a lazy idiot) but imagine, if you can, that the grill has a chrome mustache, not a grey one.
Moving into the interior, we find that your Mum isn’t too worried about different colour seat coverings or plastic inserts, so she sticks to whats been given. Also, as before mentioned, changing some of the interior options involve A, me not being lazy. B, me not being an idiot. Oh, and C, something to do with other option packs, or something.
Your Mum is actually rather handy at parking. Better than at least two standard people put together, actually. So, she won’t be going for the distance sensors.
She does, however like the idea of auto lights and auto windscreen wipers.
Now, to use the Configurator/Optionator to do a little twirl:
No, no, no. That’s a chocolate bar that was popular in the 1990’s, you silly sausage. I mean the car, you can look at the car from all different angles and see your lovely handy work.
So there you have it. You don’t need a singer/song writer with a nice fringe and a desire for PR to tell you that Adam’s are cool. Your Mum already knew. Because she’s cooler than anything someone in advertising can come up with.
Happy Mother’s Day.